Bravery + Boldness

The first time (that you can remember) that you got a vaccine, you probably heard the words “be brave.” Your mom was probably holding your right hand – because you are right handed and doctors like to give shots on the side opposite of the one you use the most, your palms were probably a bit sweaty – a side effect of nervousness, and your body was tense – because well, shots are a big deal. For the rest of your life, at least if you are anything like me, you will repeat the words “be brave.” When you board your first plane: “be brave.” When you have your first job interview: “be brave.” When you speak in front of a crowd: “be brave.” Or even when you tell someone about your insecurities, dreams, and fears: “be brave.”

It would be ridiculous to overlook bravery. When life throws us the punches in our stomaches that leave us out of breath, bravery is the force that tells us to take the punch again because we know the temporary loss of breath (or fear) is worth it. Often life requires for us to “be brave.” But what about being bold?

Recently I have realized that while I am brave, I am not bold. The plans, dreams, and ideas that I have for my future have all been made out of my own need for safety. When trying to decide my future job, I have quickly put my aspirations to the side because they are too “risky,” “unpredictable,” or “scary.” In the midst of trying to find a future job (mind you I am still in college) that provides for myself financially – that provides safety by and from myself  and only myself – I have been screaming for someone to hold my hand. Why am I so eager to be brave and so terrified of being bold? The answer is simple: I am not putting my faith in Jesus.

My resistance to dream big is only an indication of how big I believe God to be. When I start to believe that my dreams, ideas, and plans are out of my grasp, I am doing something right. However, when I head towards big dreams and retract them out of my own need for safety, I am doubting God’s sovereignty. The reality is this – even my biggest plans, dreams, and ideas will not match (or even come close to matching) God’s plans for me. His dreams are greater. His plans are better. His ideas are brighter.

When Peter and John were boldly proclaiming the Gospel – a reality that neither Peter or John (or anyone who knew Peter or John) had ever dreamed, planned, or thought of ever doing – it was clear that they knew, and were living for, Jesus. “Now when they [the Sadducees] saw the boldness of Peter and John, and perceived that they were uneducated, common men, they were astonished. And they recognized that they had been with Jesus.” (Acts 4:13).

Don’t you see? Being bold is trusting God despite or intellect, wisdom, or comfort. In my life, even my greatest dreams will not touch the surface of Jesus’ plans for me. May that be an encouragement for me to dream bigger – and trust Jesus more – than ever before.

xx, Hannah

P.S. Being bold is scary. But when we ask Jesus to be in control of our lives, he fills the mistakes, dreams, and plans we have with the waters that He calls us to walk on. (Wow! That’s cool.)

Happiness is This

“Happiness is this, he thought.” – Virginia Woolf, Mrs. Dalloway

As it seems, Virginia Woolf’s mastery of the English language has been provoking me to do what all good books do – think. Her plunge into the consciousness of Mrs. Dalloway, as well as many other characters that float in and out of the ever moving novel, reveal the tragedy of war, aging, and a past that is only relived through one’s memories. Being a young 19 (almost 20!) reader, these themes are not particularly a concern in my life – well at least not yet. Actually, Virginia Woolf’s retrospective glance had me looking away from my past, farther away from my future (what a relief to not have to worry about my future job, classes, or etc. for a few moments) and straight at my present.

Because the novel was so focused on time, particularly the past (of youth) and future (of aging), the above quote instantly gathered my time-capsuled thoughts to the present. I am concerned that most of my life I have been stuck reliving the past or planning the unpredictable future. What a waste! Rather it is my goal to live in the present.

When we are distracted by the past or the future it is easy for us to lose the vividness and sacredness of the now. I believe this is why Jesus said: “So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:31-34). You see, living in the present allows us to take in the fullness of what God has given us. His preparation for our tomorrow is only fully recognized by our focus on our today.

So, in order to recognize the happiness of the now, here is my “Happiness is This” List:

1. An evening jog as the sun sets, the crickets (cricket?) and the mosquitos bite.
2. Laughing until my belly starts to ache.
3. Receiving a really big bear hug from my mom.
4. Sharing a donut (or really any dessert) with someone that I love.
5. Driving on backroads and singing at the top of my lungs with my windows down.
6. Getting to pray with people I love or people I just met.
7. Receiving wisdom from someone that I deeply admire.
8. Watching little kids unabashedly dance (the song doesn’t matter, nor do the dance moves).
9. Hearing my dad tell his stories that always make me giggle.
10. Ryan Gosling’s abs — sorry I just had to.

What makes you happy? Go find it, go live it. Take it all in.

xx, Hannah

 

In Retrospect —

It is impossible to encompass all of what I have learned my first year of college. But I will try to summarize it all in one word – growth. Taking on the world on my own (well kind of on my own – thanks Mom for still listening to me when I need to cry via phone and for still, well, paying for all of my coffee) has forced me to decide, think, and be. When your parents give you a 4-months worth hug and send you off to college they don’t really tell you the all-you-need-to-know to be an adult. Your parents don’t tell you that making friends in the real world is challenging. That sometimes doing laundry (and not having it dry) can make you cry. That sometimes your best isn’t worth an A (or even a B). Or that no matter how many friends you have and how many things you are doing that you can still feel, and will feel, lonely. Those are truths you have to learn for yourself.

My first year of college I have realized who I am. After following – this is what everyone else is doing so I am going to do it to path – I have been forced to spend time by myself. This year I have learned how to go to a coffee shop just because, how to go on a run through the city, how to eat my lunch alone (and enjoy it,) how to not feel silly for crying (it’s true y’all crying is necessary and totally okay,) and how to be okay with just being with myself.

This year I have also learned what it’s like to make friends. As it turns out, making friends in kindergarten and pre-school is not enough preparation for making friends in the real world. Instead, making friends in the real world is quite hard – it takes patience, it takes being intentional (really intentional,) and it takes being vulnerable. When I came to college I had no one that I knew, but I am now leaving my first year of college with so many people that have loved me well and I have loved in return. I had never expected to feel this loved upon leaving college. When you are vulnerable with others and they are vulnerable with you, people have the ability to change your life. People, for the most part, are kind. They are not scary – they are human. (Although sometimes being human can be quite scary).

Lastly, I have really learned what it looks like, feels like, and is like to trust in the promises of Jesus. The sovereignty of the Lord is the only reason my freshman year of college was so full of growth and change. The Lord really does answer our prayers. He has provided me with life-long friends that I met on the first day of school, He has provided me with a community of girls that love me and care about the well-being of my heart, and He has provided me with a roommate that has taught me so much about loving others. Learning how to live out my faith in college has been so easy with so many girls beside me that have cared and loved me so deeply. Friends, He is so good.

In retrospect, my first year of college has been one of the best years of my life. In addition to all of those really-cool-life-changing-things I have learned, I have learned: how to apply to a community college, how to make a somewhat decent breakfast using only a microwave, how to dance in public, how to go to a concert (I am really experienced in this field now,) how to adventure in the city, how to eat donut after donut after donut, how to talk about Ryan Gosling without sounding completely crazy (just kidding – I am completely crazy,) how to study for hours upon hours, how to find really cool coffee shops, and how to eat an insane amount of food (aka eating a pizookie at BJ’s with only three people).

I think I am actually learning how to become an adult. (But don’t worry, for now I am still a teen).

xx, Hannah

P.S. I typed all of this up in a really hip coffee shop and am feeling extremely hip right now.

A Reminder: It’s Okay to be in a Funk

As a teenage girl who doesn’t shower after every workout (go ahead, cue the “ewww-ing” now,) doesn’t wash her clothes after every wear, and spills/drips/smears food on her clothing frequently, I am almost always in the “funk” state. (And yes, despite my description being hauntingly similar to that of a pizza-loving greasy teenage boy, I am a girl). In fact, I feel as if I rock the “funk” state. I am somewhat proud that I can pull off third day hair and by the biased claim I “smell like a flower” that my mother has instilled in me since childhood (thanks mom,) I can walk into any room of freshly perfumed teens with confidence. I embrace the funk. (Although as I write this post, my lack of cleanliness is somewhat embarrassing – oooops).

Lately I have been in what I like to call a “spiritual funk.” Contrary to the – if you will – physical funk I so often embrace, my spiritual funk has got me feeling down. By my own definition (it’s as valid as Wikipedia’s or WebMD’s) spiritual funk is when: you have no/little desire to dig into God’s word, feel useless  to the kingdom of God, don’t feel God’s truth to be THE truth, and don’t feel the overwhelming presence of God. And to be honest – I have felt this spiritual funk the past couple of weeks. The funk of inadequacy, lies, and loneliness has loomed over my head and heart. I can feel it’s presence when I try to worship, but my heart doesn’t sing for joy. I can feel it’s presence when my friends radiate God’s truth and I find myself having trouble believing it. I can feel it’s presence. I can feel it’s presence. I can feel it’s presence.

Despite the power of “the funk” – I am glad that I know it is looming over me. There is a difference in my words, my actions, and my thoughts when I am not in the purity and refreshing grace of Christ. I reek of sin and filth, but by knowing I am in a funk – by feeling its presence – I am aware that I need to be pursuing God.

As I have recently experienced it is just flat-out-hard being in a funk. Although the confusion, shame and hardship that is a side-effect of the funk, IT IS OKAY TO BE IN A FUNK. As James 1:2-5 says:

“2Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. 4 And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may beperfect and complete, lacking in nothing. 5 But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.”

Isn’t that cool? Our “spiritual funk” fits into this “trial” and “testing of [our] faith” category. Because of this – when we feel inadequate or lacking truth – God asks us to ask Him for wisdom (aka truth) and, in turn, He will give truth to us. Being in a spiritual funk is inevitable. Yet God has provided a way for us to be cleansed and restored in Him – all we have to do is have faith.

So, fellow teens (or adults,) don’t get discouraged if you are in a spiritual funk – embrace it.

xx, Hannah

P.S. I am going on day two of not showering. WOOOO!

P.S.S. The picture above is me on day two of not showering as well – WOO HOO! EMBRACE THE FUNK.

 

 

Cherry Pie

Hello to my fellow angsty teens (and not so angsty teens). I’ve been MIA for awhile, but as this post suggests – I am back! This morning I was reading my devotional on She Reads Truth that focused on Lamentations 3:16-26. After reading it (I highly encourage that you read it right now,) I felt inclined to write a poem. Whereas I sometimes struggle putting my thoughts into words this poem came easily to me. Here it is:

He has made
a cherry
pie in my honor.
Years ago, He
set the crust
in advance.

A labor
of flour and tears
kneaded
with tired hands
so that today,
on my
day of mourning,

I can find
the golden
crust of joy
hidden beneath
the sweet
cherries of His
love.

He has cut
me a slice. Much
greater
than the measly
1/8 I had requested

and when I say
“that is enough”
He gives me
more. And more.
And more.

A reminder
of the pain, He
endured
when He
scorched His
hand at the edge
of the oven.

When He
made this pie
with the last
cherries in His
orchard. When He
cut His
slice – a large portion –
and gave it to
me.

I am reminded
of His
goodness. And when
I eat –

I am full.

The other night I was feeling a bit down, but as I read Lamentations 3:16-26, and specifically Lamentations 3:22-24, I am reminded that the sadness and loneliness I feel is met with the portion Jesus so lovingly gave me at the cross. When I am in despair, He has filled me with joy and gladness. Before I ever took a breath He had given me His grace that would last for the first hour of my life, the first minute of my day, and each and every morning.

I wonder how many times I am satisfied with a small piece of the Lord’s goodness. I wonder how often I take His mercies, His grace, His joy as an optional slice of dessert. Certainly, Jesus’ selfless death on the cross was so much more than an indulgence or an option. His sacrifice was a gift. And when we are needing something to give us hope, or joy, or peace, He gives us more than we could ever imagine. All we have to do is accept it.

I hope that my revelation this morning is one that resonates with me (and you,) each and every morning.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” [Lamentations 3:22-24]

 

xx – Hannah

P.S. Sorry I made you hungry for cherry pie. Also, sorry if you thought this post was just about cherry pie. It’s not.

HI, I AM SEARCHING

As a college student I am constantly on the look-out for success. It has been chiseled into my DNA (alongside the strand of my DNA that indicates my love for Ryan Gosling,) that I must be aware and intent on being successful. While college is often construed as a time of carelessness of the moment, it is most definitely a time of caring for the future. This first semester of college I have been searching for ways to make my future-self successful. Should I join this organization? Should I take a class that will boost my GPA or challenge my thinking? Should I change my major? I am constantly on the look-out for success.

As a nineteen year old teenager I am constantly searching for approval. I am re-living the new girl in sixth grade syndrome when all I wanted was to be well-liked. Though this time around I have blessed with many wonderful friends, I am still wanting my worth as a friend (and as a cool angsty teen of course,) to be validated. (Note: this can be easily validated and reassured by the sending of chocolate). My worth is constantly questioned against how pretty, how intelligent, how friendly, how kind, or how funny someone else is. Will I ever hold up against the standard? I am constantly searching for approval.

My first semester of college I have realized how much I am looking-out for, searching, and seeking. I’ve learned that it is tiring and unfulfilling to weigh your success and your worth against your own plans, your own attempts, and your own works. No matter how hard I search or seek – my plans will fail. Luckily, when I feel the hurt and disappointment of seeking something I will never be able to find (this also applies to Ryan Gosling,) Jesus has promised that He will be found.

“If you look for me whole heartedly you will find me.” Jeremiah 29:13

Do you know what that means? I no longer have to search, seek, or scavenge – He is here. When I need joy, He is here. When I need peace, He is here. When I need fulfillment, He is here. Because Jesus has been so faithful to his promises, why would I even consider searching for my own success and approval when He promises that I can look for Him and He will have my back?

While I never may find Ryan Gosling, a mountain of dark chocolate, or even a cute cuddly kitten when I am having a bad day, Jesus has promised that I can find Him. (Hint: Jesus is much better).  In Jesus, I can stop searching and start living.

xx, Hannah (or according to the title of the post – Searching)

A Not So Teenage Post

For some, the titling of “A Not So Teenage Post” is startling. You may ask, “is this some creepy 47 year old man pretending to be a teenage girl?” or perhaps you are wondering “did you finally stop fawning over your super teenage crush of Simon Cowell?” No and no. I am most definitely a teenage girl, and I most definitely would swoon if Simon Cowell was within ten (heck twenty-five) feet of me. However, that is not the point. The reason I have chosen the title “A Not So Teenage Post” is because recently, after reading Francis Chan’s, “Crazy Love,” I have felt encouraged to speak about the “Not So Teenage Topic” of Christianity. Now before you start wondering why I am emphasizing teens when Christianity (and Jesus) is for everyone, I do so because : A) This is abnormal to what I usually post on this blog. B) This is not a topic that most teenage girls talk about to other teenage girls.

Yet while my audience certainly isn’t completely populated with teens with raging hormones (holla at ya gurl if you are)! I am sure it is populated with those who have an opinion on God. As mentioned before, I recently read Francis Chan’s book “Crazy Love” which to say the least was an eye-opener. Have you ever realized the detail in which everything is created? Have you ever tried to count the stars at night and realized you couldn’t tell if that bright white smudgy thing was a star or not? (Hint : it probably was). But really! This is how great God is. As I was reading this book, I became in awe of God. Like God even created Simon Cowell (which is uber awesome, thanks God)! But seriously (this is such a teen statement,) God created everything. And He did so with love for you and I. Yet as I became aware of all God has created, His unending power, and His most certainly crazy love, I began to question how that affected my life. Was I living my life for myself? Was I more interested in watching Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul on YouTube than spending time with the God who made me and gave me life? And even greater, was I okay with it?

As a (teenage) girl who has grown up in church for the majority of my life, this is a question that haunts me. As a Christian, I should not be satisfied with my ten minute quiet time with God everyday (this is how long the average American spends with God each day, in comparison to a consuming four hours of watching television,) I should be seeking Him more. I should be loving Him more. I should be loving others more. Isn’t that convicting?

Which brings me to my main point : What am I doing/what am I going to do with my life to draw near to God? This is a question that I encourage you (if you are a Christian) to ask yourself, and a question I will be thinking and praying about. It is a fact we cannot earn favor with God; however, we can learn to love Him more and to do so we must simply obey. We must seek Him, we must love others.

Ultimately, this is a reminder (I’m a teen, I like have to remind myself this stuff via blog or I’ll forget) that I must obey God (and in turn,) love Him. No matter how uncomfortable a situation can be, it is my prayer that I will trust Him. I hope that you will trust Him, too.

 

XOXO, Hannah

 

P.S. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. Though this was a “Not So Teen Post” I am still a teenager, and therefore I love to social network.